Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very steep
number.
However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and
family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I
worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were
never discovered. The
possibility that someone close to you is
or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three
parties) is extremely high. Maybe
you will know. You will see
telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and
behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced
productivity. Maybe you will sense something 'out of character' but be
unable to pinpoint what it is. It
is not a given that he/she will tell
you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The 'victim' of the
extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger,
hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the
crisis. It
might be important to confront the
person with your observations, depending on the status of your
relationship with the person. It
is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and
serve different purposes. Out
of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7
different kinds of infidelity. Briefly,
some extramarital affairs are
reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others
arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or
trauma. Some
in our culture play out issues of
entitlement and power by becoming 'trophy chasers.' This 'boys will be
boys' mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become
involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and
excitement and are enthralled with the idea of 'being in love' and
having that 'loving feeling.' An
extramarital affair might be for
revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the
revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both,
they look and feel very different. Another
form of infidelity serves the
purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being
'OK' may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And
finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for
distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the
spouse. The
prognosis for survivability of the
marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that
happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different
extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the
spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand
patience and understanding. The
emotional impact of the discovery of
infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness,
rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It
typically takes 2 – 4 years to 'work through' the
implications. A good
coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't
recommend 'marriage' counseling, at least initially. The
devastating emotional impact results
from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of
one's ability
to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust
the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the
power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an
emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and
dealt with. How
can you help? Those
in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you: 1.
Sometimes I want to vent, get it out
without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying.
It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but
I need to get it off my chest. 3.
I want to be validated. I want to
know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I
talk about the pain or confusion. 4.
I want to hear sometimes, 'What are
you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?' I may need
that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger
picture. 5.
I may want space. I may want you to
be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my
thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and
stumble my way through this. 6.
I want someone to point out some new
options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this,
make sure I am first heard and validated. 7.
When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that
you think I might find helpful. 8.
I want to hear every so often, 'How's
it going?' And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting.
Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going. 9.
I want you to understand and welcome
the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly
comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel
and what I may want. 10.
I want you to be predictable. I want
to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently
or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that. Extramarital
affairs are powerful.
Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and
employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign
one's life
and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true
intimacy.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, 'This too shall pass.'
Remind me that this is not forever.
Dr.
Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped
hundreds of couples
over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs
and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?Clk=2098142
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